


Just A Memory

by Kendrickhier



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Comfort, F/F, Nightmare, TW: Death mention, TW: graphic impaling, idk if that's a real trigger but like... you are warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 17:22:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10723824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kendrickhier/pseuds/Kendrickhier
Summary: Based on a Tumblr prompt I saw. "GD: Alex keeps having nightmares about killing Astra."





	Just A Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I saw this a little before 2am, and it's now an hour later. It just happened. So quickly. I hope you enjoy anyway :P

_It wasn't the first time, far from it, and she doubted it would be the last. She knew it was a dream, damnit, she knows it, somewhere around the seventh time it had been easy to realize it, but it doesn't make her any more capable of stopping what's about to happen, nor does it affect her any less._

_If anything it affects her more, more guilty because she knew what was going to happen, should stop it, wants to stop it, but moves anyway._

_She's behind Astra, she always is, her back turned towards her, so trusting, as if she doesn't think Alex is any danger to her, as if knowing their connection to Kara is enough to keep her from any harm._

_She is wrong, she is wrong every time._

_J'onn is on his knees in front of her, forced to look up by the blade at his throat, and she can hear Astra say the words. "Fear not, Martian, you will die a soldier's death," she says, and she knows what's going to happen next._

_She tries to resist, she really does, but her body doesn't obey her here, she feels herself reach for her blade, feels as if she's the one moving even though she's screaming at her body to stop, to not react, to spare her._

_But it's futile. The blade thrusts forward and there is nothing she can do, it is happening with her own two hands and yet there is nothing she can do; it's the most infuriating thing, but that anger is futile too._

_All she can do is channel it in her charge, and she won't do that, because that will make it worse, she knows, she's tried it, hoped it would be enough to at least change direction, to not aim at her heart, which failed and only served for her to regret it._

_She can feel the resistance of skin and flesh as her sword penetrates Astra's back, tearing through the muscles and her heart - god, why hadn't she aimed a little to the left - until it reached the air in front of the woman._

_She freezes then, just for a moment._

_She can't move for a moment, the moment the reality of what she'd done had started to catch up with her._

_She stabbed Kara's aunt, and Kara will be devastated._

_It's a horror that dawns on her, and this horror doesn't lessen, no matter how much she knows what will happen or how many times she's seen it happen. If anything there is more horror now, because it's no longer just Kara's aunt, she's long since realized that Alex herself harbored feelings for the woman._

_The moment lasts too long, the longer the Kryptonite is in, the less chance of survival the woman has._

_She only meant to stop her._

_She doesn't mean to kill her._

_She's still in shock when she pulls the sword out, and Astra's form slumps in front of her. She wishes she could do more than just stand there, panting, wishes she could rush over to the woman's side, wishes she could hold her and give her some fairytale kiss that will fix everything and they will live happily ever after._

_"Alex," a familiar voice says, and she doesn't remember this part. She looks at Astra, and Astra is looking at her, and this is new, this hasn't happened before, and she only notices now she's capable of moving her own body._

_Alex shucks the sword and she doesn't care where it lands, because this isn't reality, and runs over to Astra. Tears are pooling at her eyes, and damnit, she knows this isn't real, but that doesn't take away the memory of what happened, doesn't take away that this Astra is dying, she can't stop herself._

_She loves this woman with all her heart and Alex can't bear to see her like this._

_"Alex," she says again, and her voice is so steady, much steadier than it should be, than it had been, and so concerned. Astra hadn't feared dying, so why was she concerned? Was Astra concerned for her?_

"Alex!"

Alex jolts up, breathing heavily and covered in cold sweat. This, this is reality, she can sense it, and it's not just because of the gentle touch on her arm.

"Hey," the voice soothes, Astra's voice, and Alex nearly sobs her relief. "It was just a dream, I am right here."

She doesn't have to tell Astra what happened, because she knows, they've been over this many times, and Alex hates that she still has these memories plaguing her when Astra's forgiven her, when she's never particularly blamed her in the first place.

A soldier's duty, she called it.

She also called it a second chance.

Alex doesn't hesitate in seeking her comfort anymore, heedless of the gross mess she presents, because she knows Astra doesn't care about it either. She simply curls into Astra, and Astra in turn wraps her arms around Alex in a strong embrace.

It's tight enough that it feels like she's holding Alex's broken pieces together.

Tight enough that it feels like coming home.

Astra is whispering soothing things in her ear, one of her hands is combing through her hair gently, and Alex can feel herself relax, the memory fading from the forefront of her mind, replaced by the sensations her wife provides her with.

Her wife.

Saying that will never get old.

The memory of nearly killing her won't ever disappear - Alex has given up on hoping for that to happen - but so long as Astra is right next to her, alive and breathing, she thinks she can handle it, because she doesn't carry this burden alone.

She nuzzles into Astra's neck and murmurs, "I'm still sorry for that."

Astra smiles, she knows without seeing, she can feel it, as well as the slightest shake of her head. "And I'm still grateful you helped me recover rather than let me die. We all make mistakes, you rectified yours."

Calling it a mistake; it makes Alex sigh, and she turns her head to place a light kiss on Astra's jaw. "I love you, you know that?"

"I do," she replies simply and places a kiss on the top of Alex's head. "And I love you, too."

Astra continues to hold her, and she's still not sure what she's done to deserve her wife, but she does know she's grateful and that she can't imagine her life without her.

In Astra's arms, she feels like the luckiest woman on Earth.


End file.
